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Some funny stories.


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No Starch Iggy

On a trip to the Bay Area I was walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, I'm fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. Then I turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Ignacy Pacholski's Chinese Laundry."

"Ignacy Pacholski?" "How the heck does that name fit in here?"

So I walk into the shop and see an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. I ask, "How did this place get a name like "Ignacy Pacholski's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

I ask, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Ignacy Pacholski?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Ignacy Pacholski.' Then she look at me and go, "What your name?' I say, "Sem Dem Ting.'"

Before I Moved to Chicago

One Day I was telling my co-worker that the company was transferring me to Chicago. I told him I was very concerned about going there.

When he asked why, I replied that I was just too afraid of all the crime even though I would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

My co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

So, I asked, "What did you do there?"

To which he replied, "I was the tail-gunner on a beer truck."

Czarnina Anyone?

Non-Poles I know often ask me why the Poles invented czarnina (duck blood soup). The soup is made from Mascovy ducks, which are the only domestic ducks not related to the easy going Mallard breed.

A Mascovy duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'prunes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell prunes here." So the Mascovy leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any prunes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell prunes here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any prunes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell prunes here and if you ask me again I will tie you upside down and slit your throat!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any rope?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any rope!" The Mascovy duck then asks, "Got any prunes?"

What else you gonna do with a Mascovy?

50th Anniversary

An old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the babcia wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Stas," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Maryla," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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I don't know if your particular browser will reproduce the following letter set. E-mail me to let me know what browsers don't. Dzikuj.
, , , , , , , ,   Are in the Polish alphabet
v, q, x don't belong in the Polish alphabet

 


Penance Not Required

On my business trips to New York City I often took the subway from my hotel to visit the advertising agencies on Madison Avenue. A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of vodka was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."


Zip, Zero, Nada... Nic

I was sitting near some nuns at a Notre Dame football game. There were three Purdue fans sitting behind them. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.
So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the sisters to hear), " I think I want to move to California; there are only 100 Catholics living there."

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington; there are only 50 Catholics living there."

The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho; there are only 25 Catholics living there."

One of the nuns turned around and looked them all in the eye and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell; there aren't any Catholics there."

Never skip out on Mass

One day Father Eugeniusz decided that he would skip Mass and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, "Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian."

And at that instant... the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, "Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!"

Use of Esperanto, the universal European language invented in Poland would solve the following problem.

Many Polish people are taking a farhts to Germany. And on weekends, Germans return the favor and take fahrts to Poland. The increase in the number of cross border farhts is helping both the German and Polish economies.

It has also highlighted some of the cultural problems that one can run into by using words that have a different meaning in the foreign language. Fahrt is a German word for a journey.

In Poland when you agree with someone it is common to say no. So foreign men sometimes feel rejected when a woman says no but she's actually saying yes when she says no. But no means no to foreign men while no means yes to Polish women.

Dutch people like pinda which to them are peanuts. But when they come to Poland they have to be very careful about asking for pinda because that is a rather derogatory term for the female genitalia.

And when Poles cross the border going to Czech, they look for something by using the word szukac . But in Czech it means to have sex with someone. So if a Pole goes to Czech and says in Polish that he is looking for particular girl a Czech can take that to mean that the Pole is having sex with that particular girl.

So as you take a fahrt in Europe, make sure that you understand what someone really means when they say no to your request for pinda.

 




Dyngus Day
On Easter Monday there is a very ancient Easter tradition called "Smingus-Dyngus" the custom of pouring water on one another. It's still a big time event in Buffalo, N.Y. When you're that near Niagara Falls, what would you expect?    [Dyngus Day]



Polish Storks
When you're in Poland watch out for the storks building nests on top of telephone poles and other high places. Becareful too because they can drop some pretty big bombs.

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